Fine Products for the Modern Drudge

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The bay area is a harbinger of doom to quality of life for tech workers. Average working hours are creeping up year on year. With this in mind, as well as thinking about always learning new skills, it’s time to get a head start on the coming 23-hour working days (don’t worry, they’ve accounted for 15-minute power naps). Luckily I’ve gathered up the best advice and products from around the internet to give you the edge you need and make sure you don’t neglect the basics.

Food

Save time on pesky things like eating and stay at your desk longer! Soylent will “Free your body”, presumably from the tyranny of getting some small shred of pleasure out of doing anything other than work. The latest version promises to have less flavour than any previously, so there’s no chance of the disruption caused by having something to look forward to.

Clothing

The Suitsy saves valuable seconds you would have spent thinking about what to wear, getting dressed, and generally being an actual adult by providing the formality of business wear with the ease and comfort a giant romper suit. Presumably an all-in-one khakis and aging conference t-shirt version will have to be created for IT folks to convincingly blend in.

Sleep

No one can really go without sleep, but the truly productive drone needs to know how to power nap. If you’re struggling to sleep in desperate 15-minute bursts in the office, the Ostrich Pillow will block out noise so you can safely keel over face-first onto your desk and grab quarter of an hour’s worth of delicious, dopamine-restoring respite. If that’s not enough, you could always pass out in a terrifying pod.

Of course, the more experienced you are, the easier it is to make a case for work-life balance when choosing jobs, and not all companies have a culture that tends towards longer hours over genuine productive output. But when the tech field as a whole takes cues from a Silicon Valley culture that prides itself on being a crucible for 20-something coders (not to mention serving as the home for several of the products highlighted), there are still too many companies happy to measure their employees’ worth as time spent at a desk.

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