You can't upload/serve SSRS 2016 reports on SSRS 2012.

Welcome aboard. 
What we're asking for is a create table script and some insert statements.... something we can run so we have some data to work with.  Since you're new...

I learned Access first, and the whole mutant query engine/VBA thing was just weird.

Amen to that. I think the querying capability in Access is meh on a good day. I was asking originally because I was looking at a job posting where I...

Thanks Eirikur. I considered that... just seems there really isn't a good lightweight way in Access. =(

I wish there were an equivalent to ROW_NUMBER() in Access. Sooo handy in SQL Server!  Thanks!

For static information, just drop in a textbox... (Haven't you used SSRS for the past 2 years or so now?)
For the back side... might be a little trickier... You...

Maybe Jess Borland's example will help:
http://blogs.lessthandot.com/index.php/datamgmt/dbprogramming/mssqlserver/creating-mailing-labels-in-sql/

Typo in there somewhere... this works.  Basically, if you don't have a join between the tables (or explicitly state a CROSS JOIN), you get all possible combinations of the values...

Not sure if i have this right, but end goal is to have

red 1 year old car
red 2 year old car
red 3 year old car

Seems like if you had a parameter, you could hide the ones that aren't selected.
Just set the Visible property to a function.
Something like IIF(Parameters!ShowWhich=1,True,False) and modify them for...

Shame about not being able to use linked servers, because I think the answer might be to do a UNION of the two tables inside a stored procedure, and then...