one of the best scripts for this I've seen is at:
https://sqlstudies.com/free-scripts/sp_dbpermissions/
Please note though, that if you're working with Windows authenticated users, they may be part of one or...

OK, I've even tried using XCOPY /L /S /D to try to limit the filenames returned by date, so I only get a few thousand instead of the millions and...

You can't call a stored procedure from within a query like that.  You won't be able to wrap the procedure call in a function either.  Since you said it's a...

I'd be very skeptical of any advice from the Missing Index views as well.  They have all the same problems people have mentioned about Database Engine Tuning Advisor plus more including no consideration for...

What makes my head explode is that it seems that some IT vendors seem to rename everything every few years, so we have to keep relearning everything just with different...

I would put it in the SELECT clause of your [PivotResults] CTE query, instead of saying SELECT *, but it could also be in the final SELECT * FROM [PivotResults]