Blog Post

DBA's Delight


Tto the beat of “Rapper’s Delight”


“Now what you hear is not a parse

I'm rapping to the code

'cause me, my tweeps, and the devs

are gonna try to gen a load.

See I am the D-B-A

and I'd like to say hello

to the devs, the PMs, and the boss

that make me want to explode


But first I gotta, query, query

with intellisense and a brand new de-bug-ger

Say lock, don't block,

with the hints to make those latches stop

Well so far you've seen me code, but I brought 2 men along

And next on the mic is dev Mike

C'mon Mike, show those keys


Check out the C-L-R, and the C-T-E,

and the rest is S-Q-L

you see I go by the link "Code-2-Supreme"

and now I'll show you why

You see I know my keys

and identities, both char and I-N-T

I got primary and foreign keys

and DDs to back them up.

I got Assemblies, Partitioned entities

And a queue to make to grin

I've got a package I can integrate

to find that MAX or MIN!

Master PM, am you on?

It's now your turn to spin a yarn


Well it's locks and it's blocks and it's mis-matched socks

and the delays don't stop until I take stock

I'm the PM you hate, when you're late

I've Project and Excel

I've got every estimate that you made

Before this project went to hell!

So get to work, and get it done

Server, instance, database, too

I need them all up running, humming along

and returning results so true.

DBA, it's on you

Show us what you gonna do!


I got a new quad core

sixty-four bit bits

and memory up to the rim

Gonna add some S-S-Ds for speed

and pile on the load for all my sims.

Got Agent jobs, A DR plan,

and procedures for every 'ject

No access I don't let you have

and auditing you won't expect.

Clus-ter-ing, Log shipping,

mirroring across the land

I've got Queues in place, just in case

You break some fiber strands


Have you ever went over a friend's shop to work

and the code just ain't no good?

The cursors are slow, the procedures long

and a box you wouldn't patch if you could!

So he asks what to do, to speed things up

and you sit stunned for a sec

The boss wants to help, a little consult

for some work without a spec.

Then you say, that's it, I got to leave this place,

Don't care what these people think

I'm just asking for trouble without benefits

and a database on the blink

So you bust out the door, hit the road

go back to your own job

check your server, see green lights

stop that head before it throbs

you text your friend two weeks later

to see how he has been

He says sorry about that job

but DBA, we're still friends.


Enjoy J