You just might be a DBA if.....

  • Your client asks you to import data currently maintained on Post-It notes via a DTS and are not surprised when you achieve it?

    Your client thinks adding a new entity is as easy as deciding which colour of button should best be used to activate a web process.

    You automatically assume everything is possible in SQL Server 2000.

    Simple Simon

    "To ask is human, to assume is dangerous!"


    Since there are many definitions today of what a DBA is I thought it might be fun to define what one is Jeff Foxworthy style. Here is a start.

    You might jiust be a DBA if....

    You report to the CIO and are responsible for the data plan, and data integrety rules for the next five year plan

    You know what "The key, the whole key and nothing but the key means"

    You know what it means when you see

    Select a.z,a.y.b.x from t1 a, t2 b

    where a.z = b.z and 1=0

    You know what CASE stands for

    You know how to interpret queries or explains and plan tables to tune for efficiencies

    You can sit down with a customer who knows absolutely nothing about SQL or databases but has a need and you develop a database that is in 3NF

    William H. Hoover

    Louisville, Ky

  • A user complains that they can't log on and you say "Try it now."

  • quote:

    You were the last person consulted on a database issue and got so pissed off you resigned.

    6 months later you see your old job advertised at twice the salary.

    Scott Adams is writing your autobiography.

  • Or developers write queries anyway they want and expect you to make it fly.


  • You just might be a DBA if...

    -- Programmers hate you.

    -- The system/network admin guys hate you.

    -- Your bosses don't understand what it is you do.

    -- You spend so much time at work, your own kids don't recognize you.

    -- You wonder why everyone is always saying, "But disk is cheap!", but the guys with the checkbooks aren't ever buying you any.

    -- If the word "database" is within three miles of any concept, everyone assumes you must be an expert on the subject.

    -- Your hackles raise when some academic fool matter of factly states, "Oh, Oracle SQL, Sybase SQL, SQL Server SQL -- they're all the same!"

    -- Your tables are normalized but your desk isn't.

    -- Your hackles raise when a customer thinks DBAs are like Samantha on "Bewitched!", just wiggle your nose and the new schema will be in place, complete with all necessary data conversions.

    -- You look forward to Fridays because then you realize there are only two more days left in your work week.

  • quote:


    if you know the difference between a timestamp and a datetime

    Steve Jones

    So Steve, what is the difference between timestamp and datetime on SQL Server? I come from a background in PostgreSQL which does not allow for datetime, and I needed to use it(I think) yesterday.

    Ben Carlson

  • ... you know how to pronounce PostgreSQL.

    ... you dropped all of your extended stored procedures in SQL Server to prevent security holes.

    ... you find yourself explaining that "fixed width" means that every line has the same number of characters.

  • You think you are a developer and not an administrator.

    Sekhar Ganpathy

    Sekhar Ganpathy

  • If you've entered your entire DVD collection into a database and have written a stored procedure to randomly select which one you are to watch next, that way you don't duplicate viewing over the span of your collection.... (True Story)



    If you thought about writing me to get the Schema and Scripts so you can do it too...


  • If the first thing you do when you pager goes off at 3:00 AM is get a Mountain Dew - you might just be a DBA!!

  • ... the company you work for achieve their break even with the vending machine next to your office

  • You group your grocery list by aisles and discover that the store has had a major remodelling and changed things around...Grrrrr!

    **ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !!!**

  • When you see a person's age being stored as an "int" datatype and you immediately want to EXECUTE developer...

    **ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !!!**

  • At the end of a successful commit you say AMEN!

    **ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !!!**

  • You name your childern

    1) SELECT

    2) ORDER BY

    3) WHERE

    and the twins


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