My understanding (from reading when I tried to use it the first time) is that the DMA also shares a shedload of information about your databases and servers with Microsoft,...

I have to agree with the customer.  Having meta-data that identifies a column in such a fashion is as dumb as labeling a column as "SSN" or "TaxID" even when...

Heh... you do have to ask the right question when using yabingooglehoo. 😀  Try the following search ...
https://www.google.com/search?q=script+to+find+and+restore+latest+backups+sql+server

Not sure what the view is used for but what you posted appears to have been truncated.  There's no FROM clause.

Ah... OK.  What is the clustered index on the table and, if present, what are the non-clustered indexes?  I'm assuming, of course, that this table has a whole lot more...