Bad SQL Jokes

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Bad SQL Jokes

Richard Warr

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Points: 6963
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November 2, 2010 at 5:55 am

#225743

Well, Christmas is almost upon us and, here in the UK, we have a tradition of Christmas Crackers containing rather awful jokes. So, I wondered if we could come up with enough cringeworthy SQL humour to fill a box.
Things like:
Why did Roy Rogers have to walk home?
Because he was missing a Trigger.
or
Why did the man move house?
So he could alter the view.
Yes, the worse, the better 😉

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)

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Gail Shaw SSC Guru Points: 1004504 More actions · Answer 1

I'll start with two that generally result in things being thrown at me.

knock knock
Who's there
sp_
sp_who?
spid 1, spid 2, spid 3, .....

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

Gail Shaw
Microsoft Certified Master: SQL Server, MVP, M.Sc (Comp Sci)
SQL In The Wild: Discussions on DB performance with occasional diversions into recoverability

We walk in the dark places no others will enter
We stand on the bridge and no one may pass

Ray K SSC-Dedicated Points: 31148 More actions · Answer 2

http://www.sqlservercentral.com/Forums/FindPost975624.aspx

😛

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Richard Warr SSCertifiable Points: 6963 More actions · Answer 3

Ray K (11/2/2010)
http://www.sqlservercentral.com/Forums/FindPost975624.aspx
😛

Thanks, Ray - that's just what I was after! :smooooth:

OCTom SSChampion Points: 11785 More actions · Answer 4

Why didn't the DBA have fun at parties?

He wasn't much if a joiner.

SQLRNNR SSC Guru Points: 281334 More actions · Answer 5

http://ask.sqlservercentral.com/questions/2764/which-is-the-best-sql-joke

Jason...AKA CirqueDeSQLeil
_______________________________________________
I have given a name to my pain...MCM SQL Server, MVP
SQL RNNR
Posting Performance Based Questions - Gail Shaw[/url]
Learn Extended Events

Daniel Bowlin SSC-Dedicated Points: 34566 More actions · Answer 6

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:

Ray K SSC-Dedicated Points: 31148 More actions · Answer 7

Daniel Bowlin (11/4/2010)
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?
That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:

Neither. Go for the full outer.

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OCTom SSChampion Points: 11785 More actions · Answer 8

Ray K (11/4/2010)
Daniel Bowlin (11/4/2010)
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?
That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:
Neither. Go for the full outer.

How about a self join? Or, perhaps a cross join?

Ray K SSC-Dedicated Points: 31148 More actions · Answer 9

http://www.sqlservercentral.com/Forums/FindPost1016028.aspx

Ouch!!!

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Daniel Bowlin SSC-Dedicated Points: 34566 More actions · Answer 10

OCTom (11/4/2010)
Ray K (11/4/2010)
Daniel Bowlin (11/4/2010)
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?
That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:
Neither. Go for the full outer.
How about a self join? Or, perhaps a cross join?

Hmmm...if the SQL Query was doing a self join, why would it be in a bar in the first place?

RichardDouglas SSCarpal Tunnel Points: 4029 More actions · Answer 11

True story this, I was on a business objects in-house training course and the instructor had to go through the needless task of explaining relationships and joins using the family analogy.

i.e. A parent can have on mother but a mother can have multiple children etc.

She was trying to extend the metaphor with joins and paused when it came to self joins. I piped up with "surely that would be Siamese twins"

Hope this helps,
Rich

[p]
[/p]

GSquared SSC Guru Points: 260824 More actions · Answer 12

RichardDouglas (11/12/2010)
True story this, I was on a business objects in-house training course and the instructor had to go through the needless task of explaining relationships and joins using the family analogy.
i.e. A parent can have on mother but a mother can have multiple children etc.
She was trying to extend the metaphor with joins and paused when it came to self joins. I piped up with "surely that would be Siamese twins"

Single-parent = "parthenogenesis"

- Gus "GSquared", RSVP, OODA, MAP, NMVP, FAQ, SAT, SQL, DNA, RNA, UOI, IOU, AM, PM, AD, BC, BCE, USA, UN, CF, ROFL, LOL, ETC
Property of The Thread

"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everyone agrees it's old enough to know better." - Anon

Ray K SSC-Dedicated Points: 31148 More actions · Answer 13

I don't know why this just popped into my head.

Q: What do you call SQL code written by elves?

A: A Santa clause.

(BOOOO!!!)

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Bhuvnesh SSC Guru Points: 59351 More actions · Answer 14

Don't trust DBAs trust "F5"

-------Bhuvnesh----------
I work only to learn Sql Server...though my company pays me for getting their stuff done;-)