Bad SQL Jokes

  • Well, Christmas is almost upon us and, here in the UK, we have a tradition of Christmas Crackers containing rather awful jokes. So, I wondered if we could come up with enough cringeworthy SQL humour to fill a box.

    Things like:

    Why did Roy Rogers have to walk home?

    Because he was missing a Trigger.

    or

    Why did the man move house?

    So he could alter the view.

    Yes, the worse, the better 😉

    _____________________________________________________________________
    MCSA SQL Server 2012

  • I'll start with two that generally result in things being thrown at me.

    knock knock

    Who's there

    sp_

    sp_who?

    spid 1, spid 2, spid 3, .....

    A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

    Gail Shaw
    Microsoft Certified Master: SQL Server, MVP, M.Sc (Comp Sci)
    SQL In The Wild: Discussions on DB performance with occasional diversions into recoverability

    We walk in the dark places no others will enter
    We stand on the bridge and no one may pass
  • http://www.sqlservercentral.com/Forums/FindPost975624.aspx

    😛

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  • Thanks, Ray - that's just what I was after! :smooooth:

    _____________________________________________________________________
    MCSA SQL Server 2012

  • Why didn't the DBA have fun at parties?

    He wasn't much if a joiner.

  • http://ask.sqlservercentral.com/questions/2764/which-is-the-best-sql-joke

    Jason...AKA CirqueDeSQLeil
    _______________________________________________
    I have given a name to my pain...MCM SQL Server, MVP
    SQL RNNR
    Posting Performance Based Questions - Gail Shaw[/url]
    Learn Extended Events

  • A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

    That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:

  • Daniel Bowlin (11/4/2010)


    A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

    That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:

    Neither. Go for the full outer.

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  • Ray K (11/4/2010)


    Daniel Bowlin (11/4/2010)


    A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

    That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:

    Neither. Go for the full outer.

    How about a self join? Or, perhaps a cross join?

  • http://www.sqlservercentral.com/Forums/FindPost1016028.aspx

    Ouch!!!

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  • OCTom (11/4/2010)


    Ray K (11/4/2010)


    Daniel Bowlin (11/4/2010)


    A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to a table and asks 'May I join you?

    That depends, do you go left or do you go right?:laugh:

    Neither. Go for the full outer.

    How about a self join? Or, perhaps a cross join?

    Hmmm...if the SQL Query was doing a self join, why would it be in a bar in the first place?

  • True story this, I was on a business objects in-house training course and the instructor had to go through the needless task of explaining relationships and joins using the family analogy.

    i.e. A parent can have on mother but a mother can have multiple children etc.

    She was trying to extend the metaphor with joins and paused when it came to self joins. I piped up with "surely that would be Siamese twins"

    Hope this helps,
    Rich

    [p]
    [/p]

  • RichardDouglas (11/12/2010)


    True story this, I was on a business objects in-house training course and the instructor had to go through the needless task of explaining relationships and joins using the family analogy.

    i.e. A parent can have on mother but a mother can have multiple children etc.

    She was trying to extend the metaphor with joins and paused when it came to self joins. I piped up with "surely that would be Siamese twins"

    Single-parent = "parthenogenesis"

    - Gus "GSquared", RSVP, OODA, MAP, NMVP, FAQ, SAT, SQL, DNA, RNA, UOI, IOU, AM, PM, AD, BC, BCE, USA, UN, CF, ROFL, LOL, ETC
    Property of The Thread

    "Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everyone agrees it's old enough to know better." - Anon

  • I don't know why this just popped into my head.

    Q: What do you call SQL code written by elves?

    A: A Santa clause.

    (BOOOO!!!)

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  • Don't trust DBAs trust "F5"

    -------Bhuvnesh----------
    I work only to learn Sql Server...though my company pays me for getting their stuff done;-)

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