loss of backing– n. an abrupt collapse of trust in yourself – having abandoned a resolution, surrendered to your demons, or squandered an opportunity you swore you’d take seriously this time – which resets your expectations and makes it that much harder to guarantee that your word is worth anything, even to yourself.
Perhaps this is maturity, or maybe it’s giving up some strong sense of integrity. I prefer to think that I’m more kind to myself and accepting of my frailty. I rarely promise anything, to myself or others. I make best effort attempts, but I know that the world is chaotic and I’m imperfect. I can’t predict the future and I know that I might change my mind, circumstances might evolve, or perhaps my initial impetus to do something makes no sense.
I try not to make too many resolutions, but make efforts to improve. I look for the DevOps way of experimenting and learning, accepting some failure, but not making absolute promises about things. Across the pandemic I also learned that sometimes I have to just take care of myself rather than continuously driving to some arbitrary goal.
I miss days of working out, when I spent years not doing that. I make poor choices of food. I sometimes work too little or too hard, at least according to my standards. I sometimes need to take a break, and give myself a break, from life and other commitments, so I miss things, cancel plans, or just appreciate the break in life.
Perhaps it’s age as well, but I don’t feel a loss of backing in myself.
From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows