Is d:\ a valid path on the server, and does the service account have rights? I later versions of SQL Server, usually root access is denied.

Anyplace you need the format returned, use CAST/CONVERT. It's not needed for the joins, just the return values.

Our kids are pretty good. I struggle with them doing dishes, but if we ask, they will. I just hate asking.

For chores, our kids have grown up with...

Service packs include previous service packs and CUs up to the SP.

Cumulative Updates include all CUs since the base where they started (RTM or SP level)

You...

Schedules are separate objects attached to the job. They need to be enabled to be used, but they are separate from the job.

Job Schedules: https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/sql/ssms/agent/create-and-attach-schedules-to-jobs

You can change the default collation and that will be used for future objects, but you must change the data type of each column that needs to store Unicode characters.

+1. Install SPs and then the latest CU. CUs include previous CUs.

CAST and CONVERT - https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/sql/t-sql/functions/cast-and-convert-transact-sql

I wasn't implying it's easy. If it were easy, the DTA or missing index recommendations would do just fine. It's tedious and monotonous. It's complex, but a job that is...

FWIW baseball may be speeding up: http://www.espn.com/blog/buster-olney/insider/post/_/id/16805/olney-baseball-keeps-getting-slower-but-change-will-come-by-2018.

I'd like to see some of this. I prefer fast pitchers when I'm batting, and I certainly think  20+...