Three ways to do this in SQL Server, in order of preference:

1. Convert it to a table-valued function (best, if you can)

If the procedure is just a SELECT (or a handful of statements building one result set, no side effects), turn it into a TVF instead. Then you can join it...

One correction : OPENROWSET(BULK ... FORMAT='PARQUET') needs the PolyBase feature installed and enabled on the SQL Server instance, full stop, regardless of where the files live. That's not the same...

Hi! Great questions, and no, you're not crazy. Let me take these one at a time.

Q1: Is this setup crazy?

Not at all. Maintenance Plans plus Backup preference = Primary is...