What you are trying to do is invalid SQL.  You do what you want in dynamic SQL, but you cannot do dynamic SQL in a function.

"I heard nearly 20 years ago that big ERP implementations would end and we'd get them down to a science and being an SAP consultant, your days are numbered. I'm...

If you don't know what the maximum size is, how would you know that varchar(2000) is large enough?

On the subject of "greedy CEOs"

One thing I have never understood, is why the large stockholders, especially large mutual funds, tolerate this.  After all, the 250 million that the CEO...

There first thing you should consider is the company's method of recognizing costs: standard cost, FIFO, LIFO, etc.  Whatever method you chose must work with that.

One approach I have taken...

Use the free PSINFO utility from http://www.sysinternals.com

C:\>PSINFO -D DISK \\SERVERNAME
PsInfo v1.73 - Local and remote system information viewer
Copyright (C) 2001-2005 Mark Russinovich
Sysinternals - www.sysinternals.com
System information for \\SERVERNAME:
Volume Type      ...

This script should let you do what you want. 

Take the database offline to kill the connections, bring it back online in single user mode, change to that database immediately to...

I am not big on prying into people’s lives, but if I had that information about that guy, I doubt if I would want him around.

I would be most concerned...

I can do without the bring your dog, cat, goldfish, kid, spouse, best friend, interesting street bum, or whatever to work day.

If you really need them with you while you work,...

Mark Twain?  Don't you mean Charles Dickens in "A Tale of Two Cities"?

I think it would be a bad idea to enforce unique passwords across all accounts.

If you tell a user that they cannot use a password because it is already in...

You want help debugging a stored procedure that you didn't post the code for?

I find it easier to provide a solution when people provide a clear explanation on what they are trying to do, instead of a bunch of code that doesn't work.

You didn't really explain...

I don't think that you can come up with a simple rule.  You need to decide what to do in every situation.

If you actually do not know a value or...

You shouldn't be too surprised.

All you did was post a bunch of code with a bunch of errors in it, without a clear explanation of what you are trying to...