Build tables for the columns you want to normalize. Don't bother populating them, just build them and add the necessary PKs, constraints and indexes.

Then import your data into a...

When you display the execution plan for a proc/script/whatever, it will warn you if any of the statistics are out-of-date.

Also, you can set up a maintenance task to run automatically...

(Just wouldn't be me without this.)

Overly detailed, complex test and results.

Semi-sequitur joke about random member of site and/or about original post.

Yep. And always remember the first rule of database coding and design, "It depends".

As I go "duh" for forgetting what SMS is... yeah, a CLR proc is the way I'd go on that one too.

Take a look at the sample triggers in the articles and discussions I linked. Those are tested and proven.

In it's simplest form, statistics is a list of what percentage of the rows are different from each other, in each column.

For example, if you have 100 rows, and 10...

In the options menu, there's an option for forcing a timeout after a certain amount of execution time.

The universal problem with cursors in modern versions of SQL Server is that they are row-by-row (or row-by-agonizing-row, RBAR).

Depending on how you create them, they can also have problems with...

Detailed, helpful reply.

A local and either fast_forward or static cursor will out-perform that while loop. There are ways to build while loops that can be pretty fast, but that's not one...

I think it's likely that Left/Right use the same code as Substring, just with one less parameter. I know that's how I'd program them.

Of course, the really amazing thing is, here we are on page 5 of this thread, and the original poster still hasn't given us the data necessary to answer his...

Not sure what you mean by it being displayed perfectly in the DB, nor what you mean about sending it to an SMS.

The DB is just a bunch of storage...