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The DBA Game

By Steve Jones,

I was eating dinner with the family the other night and saw a poster on the wall talking about the "man game". It was something like this:

Ask for directions <============= ==============> Find a shortcut
   - 7 points                                        + 5 points

Shop for drapes    <============= ==============> Replace the cord in your drill
   - 12 points                                       + 14 points

Watch a soap opera <============= ==============> Go to a ballgame
  - 8 points                                         + 9 points
and a few more, but I think you get the idea.

It was pretty funny and got me thinking. Maybe we should have a DBA game? So I spent a few minutes working on one and came up with a few things that I hope you'll like.

The DBA Game

Score yourself and add up the results.

More than 5% of your tables  <===== =====>   Every table has at least two indexes
   are heaps, -5 points                         +6 points

1st normal form              <===== =====>  3rd normal form
   -8 points                                   +7 points

blank sa password            <===== =====>   Custom job to force password changes
    -10 points                                every 90 days, +14 points

Developers edit objects      <===== =====> Everything under source control
 in Enterprise Manager, -8 points              +7 points

Developers have sa rights on <===== =====> Windows admins have no sa rights
 development dbs, -12 points                     +11 points

Backup directly to tape      <===== =====> Keep at least one day's backups on disk
    -5 points                                    +6 points

Backup to the same file      <===== =====> Custom backup jobs naming backup files
  everyday, -6 points                         for the date/time, +5 points
                                          ( +2 for using third party compression to save space)

No operators setup for       <===== =====> Custom jobs sending emails on performance alerts
  alerts, -2 points                              +4 points
                                           ( -1 if using third party software for rich shops)

Boss has access to write his <===== =====> Boss is afraid to ask when the restore will be 
 own SQL queries, -4 points                 completed, +6 points

Rewrite stored procedure for <===== =====> Rewrite stored procedure for a developer
 a developer with no deadline              with a pressing deadline the same day, +6 points
 the same day, -9 points

Taking a call from a         <===== =====> Dropping your cell phone in a pitcher of beer 
 business analyst about his                when a business analyst calls, +16 points
 embedded query from Excel
    -7 points

Deferring to the opinion of  <===== =====> Properly chastising a developer for expressing a
 a developer on data modeling              divergent opinion from your own on a data model
      - 10 points                                 +8 points

Telling your boss you can    <===== =====> Attending the PASS Community Summit
learn fine from books for SQL                     +9 points
Server 2005 training, -7 points               ( +2 for speaking)

Praising Joe Celko           <===== =====> Getting Kevin Kline's or Kalen Delaney's autograph
 - 2 points                                    +1 point
                                              ( +10 if you have it on your office wall)

100 SQLServerCentral.com     <===== =====> Answering at least half as many questions as 
posts, all questions                       you ask on SQLServerCentral.com
  - 2 points                                  +4 points

Forgetting to always create  <===== =====> Keeping the index and permission scripts
indexes when you create                    with the table creation and under source
tables, -3 points                          control, +5 points

Getting coffee for your boss <===== =====> Having developers bring you coffee at your desk
    -3 points                                   +4 points

No scheduled jobs            <===== =====> Using SQLAgent to schedule maintenance, notify you of
  - 3 points                               alerts, and use the on call schedule for operators, +6
                                           points.

Can't setup SQL Mail in      <===== =====> Figuring out how to send HTML formatted mail through
30 minutes, -4 points                      SQL Server 2000 mail, +7 points.

Build a package on your      <===== =====> Implement looping in SQL Server 2000 DTS
workstation the doesn't run                   +8 points
when scheduled on the production
server, -5 points

I don't have any great range titles yet, but feel free to suggest a few. All I know is if you end up with less than 0, perhaps you should consider another line of work. Like a manager.

And throw your own suggestions in here for points and topics. I'll compile a new game for the next major holiday!

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