A Few Good DBAs

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A Few Good DBAs

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Jeff Moden

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 5:50 AM

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Grant Fritchey (10/29/2008)

Does this mean I get to carry a gun at work now?

I promise, no more than one developer a week. :D

What... you're not already packin'? Thought is was a requirement. And, heh... I make no such promises! :P

--Jeff Moden

"RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for "Row-By-Agonizing-Row".

First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
Stop thinking about what you want to do to a row... think, instead, of what you want to do to a column."

For better, quicker answers on T-SQL questions, click on the following...
http://www.sqlservercentral.com/articles/Best+Practices/61537/

For better answers on performance questions, click on the following...
http://www.sqlservercentral.com/articles/SQLServerCentral/66909/

Post #593498

S Hodkinson

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:12 AM

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No more than one developer a week? How about Infrastructure?? Comms? Is one developer equal to 2 Infrastructures???

Whistling

Madame Artois

Post #593510

tony-914923

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:16 AM

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Is Jack Nicholson a DBA? Cool!

;)

Post #593513

mcorrea

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:23 AM

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I found this on SQLTeam.com

A new version of ‘A Few Good Men’…
....

CIO: "Did you order the code change?"

DBA: "You want answers?"

CIO: "I think I'm entitled."

DBA: "You want answers!!"

CIO: "I want the truth!"

DBA: "You can't handle the truth!"

DBA: "Son, we live in a world that has databases. And those databases have to be administered by men with laptops. Who's gonna do it? You? Developers? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You weep for your application and you curse the DBA team. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that your application's crash, while tragic, probably saved the database. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves databases.

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me online. You need me on online! We use words like referential integrity, table constraints, and triggers... we use these words as the backbone to a life spent administering databases. You use 'em as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very data integrity I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you logon and start coding. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!!"

CIO: "Did you order the code change???"

DBA: "I did my job, I'd do it again."

CIO: "Did you order the code change??!"

DBA: "You're !%@&*? right I did!"

....

Post #593519

Timothy Beight

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:24 AM

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After 30 years in engineering and IT, I can feel Shaun's sentiments deep in my gut. After a moment of reflection, early in the morning, after a good night's sleep, and before the crisis of the day arrives, they seem a bit prideful and self-centered. Are there any business managers out there who could write in the same style from the other point of view?

Post #593521

blandry

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:28 AM

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Very good Shaun, very creative... but speaking as a manager, you missed two scenes... This earlier one...

Manager: I'm going to need a copy of your six month objectives, and also a report on how you screwed up with this recent server overhaul.

DBA: Sure... Sure Danny, you can have that... (pause)... But you gotta ask me nicely.

Manager: I'm sorry?

DBA: You can have all the objectives and reports on how I screwed up you want - but you gotta ask me nicely!

Manager: General DBA, sir... Might I have a copy of your six month objectives, and the report on how you almost put us out of business recently?

DBA: Why sure Danny, my underling will run you by my cubicle this morning and see you get all the paper work you need.

...and of course this portion of the scene Shaun didnt include....

Manager: Did you order the T-SQL code font red?

DBA: You're goddamn right I did!

(long pause, manager looks at VP...)

Manager: Jack?

(VP Jack, sad, but aware DBA has just sunk himself, nods his head in the affirmative...)

Manager: I believe we need to get over to Human Resources and begin a 526 termination process, the DBA has rights.

VP Jack: DBA, its my duty to inform you that you are hereby fired.

DBA: (angry, intense, to manager) Boy, I am going to tear off your head and spit down your neck!!!

Manager: (in DBA's face...) Goddamn DBA's - prima donnas one and all - No DBA, you are going to leave this place and hopefully learn that you are not above anyone in this business - we're a team and we dont work for you, you work WITH us! At least you are supposed to!

( Weeks later after DBA has visited unemployment office )

DBA: Would you like fries and can I super-size that for you sir?

McDonald's Customer: Yeah, sure, that sounds fine.

Touche!!! :D

There's no such thing as dumb questions, only poorly thought-out answers...

Post #593524

brian clements-470670

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:34 AM

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Absolutely... hilarious that made my day, well done Shaun.

Post #593533

Charles Kincaid

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:41 AM

Right there with Babe

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Grant Fritchey (10/29/2008)

Does this mean I get to carry a gun at work now?

I'm and old IBM 1130 hack. A buddy of mine who was, at the time, a comm center specialist in Vietnam sent me a very cryptic letter. It was and IBM part number. What the ...? I looked it up. It's a bracket that bolts to the side of the CPU console. It's a holder for a Thompson .45 caliber sub-machine gun w00t

Talk a bout defending your data!

ATB

Charles Kincaid

Post #593539

Steve Jones - SSC Editor

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:47 AM

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No guns at work. Chances are we're run out of developers and have to go code things ourselves. Now truncheons....

I thought this was a little silly shooting the podcast, or maybe that was me. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks Shaun!

Follow me on Twitter: @way0utwest

Forum Etiquette: How to post data/code on a forum to get the best help

Post #593548

Steven Tahan

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 6:48 AM

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All jokes aside, we here in South Africa only watched the final of Survivor Fiji last night and I must say that I was so sorry that Yauman was voted out. I hoped he would win it.

Thanks, dude. I was going to watch that one tonight.

Post #593549

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