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How To Make Your Laptop 100x Faster

Simon Sabin had his own take on increasing laptop speed. He had some good ideas, but he inspired me to try to top his suggestions. Here’s what I came up with:


Anyone needing help, let me know. I can swing by.

Filed under: Blog Tagged: Humor, syndicated

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Steve Jones is the editor of SQLServerCentral.com and visits a wide variety of data related topics in his daily editorial. Steve has spent years working as a DBA and general purpose Windows administrator, primarily working with SQL Server since it was ported from Sybase in 1990. You can follow Steve on Twitter at twitter.com/way0utwest


Posted by Jason Brimhall on 18 May 2011

I like it.

Posted by Brent Ozar on 18 May 2011

I'd ask you to swing by just so we could zip around in the 911, but I'm not sure I'd sacrifice my Air for that. Maybe my old MacBook Pro sitting in the closet....

Posted by jcrawf02 on 19 May 2011

I have a Toshiba you can use...

Posted by Roy Ernest on 19 May 2011

I have couple that does not work anymore... maybe we could try to fix it by doing exactly that. :-)

Posted by Jason Brimhall on 19 May 2011

Roy, I have a few of those too.  No wait, kids would have my liver if I took their toys away.  Dead laptops are fun for the kids to play "school" with.

Posted by Roy.G.Biv on 21 May 2011

Very droll. But metaphorically speaking, it works. A great number of business applications written in ancient but not lost languages continue run like rockets. Still the same pig-iron code and data tables encrusted with multiple indexes riveted together by relative record numbers - but improvements in hardware and memory keeps it all lumbering along.  

Posted by keithbadeau on 22 May 2011

Never mind the laptop, I've got a workstation I'd like to try this on--and not to speed it up either. ;)

Posted by John Hick on 22 May 2011

Oh, this is the best idea I've seen in ages!  Steve, is that your 911?  I notice the CO tags...

Posted by Ian Ragg on 23 May 2011


Posted by ed_lipchus on 23 May 2011

As of 2 years ago I had a client who was still running MSDOS 5.0 and Novell 1.0 for a network (the applications on which he runs his business run fine, don't crash, and do everything he needs; he just doesn't see any need to upgrade). You wouldn't believe how DOS screams on a 2GHz machine with a 7200rpm hard drive (with lots of partitions!)!

Posted by bwilson on 23 May 2011

great idea...but i think you might get better performance tossing the laptop out an office window...who's up for some performance testing???

Posted by Ian Sandon on 26 May 2011

Until you get above the 7th floor (or so) the Porker will still win on outright maximum speed. However, you're more likely to get better accelleration from an office window toss!

Posted by Steve Jones on 26 May 2011

LOL. Unfortunately we only have 3 stories here at my office. I think the fun-mobile is my best choice

Posted by Steve Jones on 26 May 2011

@John, it's mine. I bought it as my toy a few years ago with my wife's blessing.

Posted by me_sylin on 2 June 2011

It all depends (!!) on who happen to be driving or in case if one is driving behind a slow moving vehicle then this laptop will need a helicopter lift,then it'll be sitting on helitop instead of laptop - a plan B for Simon.

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