Tto the beat of “Rapper’s Delight”
“Now what you hear is not a parse
I'm rapping to the code
'cause me, my tweeps, and the devs
are gonna try to gen a load.
See I am the D-B-A
and I'd like to say hello
to the devs, the PMs, and the boss
that make me want to explode
But first I gotta, query, query
with intellisense and a brand new de-bug-ger
Say lock, don't block,
with the hints to make those latches stop
Well so far you've seen me code, but I brought 2 men along
And next on the mic is dev Mike
C'mon Mike, show those keys
Check out the C-L-R, and the C-T-E,
and the rest is S-Q-L
you see I go by the link "Code-2-Supreme"
and now I'll show you why
You see I know my keys
and identities, both char and I-N-T
I got primary and foreign keys
and DDs to back them up.
I got Assemblies, Partitioned entities
And a queue to make to grin
I've got a package I can integrate
to find that MAX or MIN!
Master PM, am you on?
It's now your turn to spin a yarn
Well it's locks and it's blocks and it's mis-matched socks
and the delays don't stop until I take stock
I'm the PM you hate, when you're late
I've Project and Excel
I've got every estimate that you made
Before this project went to hell!
So get to work, and get it done
Server, instance, database, too
I need them all up running, humming along
and returning results so true.
DBA, it's on you
Show us what you gonna do!
I got a new quad core
sixty-four bit bits
and memory up to the rim
Gonna add some S-S-Ds for speed
and pile on the load for all my sims.
Got Agent jobs, A DR plan,
and procedures for every 'ject
No access I don't let you have
and auditing you won't expect.
Clus-ter-ing, Log shipping,
mirroring across the land
I've got Queues in place, just in case
You break some fiber strands
Have you ever went over a friend's shop to work
and the code just ain't no good?
The cursors are slow, the procedures long
and a box you wouldn't patch if you could!
So he asks what to do, to speed things up
and you sit stunned for a sec
The boss wants to help, a little consult
for some work without a spec.
Then you say, that's it, I got to leave this place,
Don't care what these people think
I'm just asking for trouble without benefits
and a database on the blink
So you bust out the door, hit the road
go back to your own job
check your server, see green lights
stop that head before it throbs
you text your friend two weeks later
to see how he has been
He says sorry about that job
but DBA, we're still friends.“