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You think AC/DC's lyrics to Dirty Deeds would make a suiting job description for what you do. (added 6/1/2010)
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You take a server with you when you quit your job in case they refuse to cash out your unused vacation time.
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You leave a blind date stranded at the restaurant after she comments that she prefers MySQL.
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After a big migration, you drive to the data center and unplug the old server just to watch it die. (note: I was channeling Johnny Cash when I wrote this one)
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You hear a rumor that the company is going to have a big layoff so you encrypt the databases to ensure that your job is safe
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Your boss gives you a 20% raise right before announcing to the company that everyone has to take a 10% paycut.
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You wear headphones so you can pretend not to hear coworkers that try to talk to you in the hallway.
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You've threatened to replace a developer with a script if he doesn't go away ... and he goes away.
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You talk the team into delaying a release because they scheduled it for the same day as your monthly poker game.
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The auto mechanic quotes you a price for a repair, and you ask him if that's per cylinder or per driver.
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You wear t-shirts with logos of 3rd party app's that you've never used before.
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You've spent all night Valentines Day upgrading the SQL Servers and forgot to tell your wife you'd be working late.
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A chill runs down your spine when someone asks what the shortcut is for "Undo" in SSMS because Cntrl+Z isn't working.
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You're flattered when someone calls you a geek.
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An interviewer asks you if you have any certifications, and it takes 20 minutes to list them all.
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You roll your eyes when you see a job posting requiring MCDBA certification in SQL 2005.
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Your manager borrows lunch money from you because your salary is 30% higher than his.
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You think "intellisense" is a double negative because it's not intelligent nor makes sense.
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75% of the emails you receive at home have the phrase "now following you on Twitter!" in the subject line.
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You petition Ken Burns to remake Office Space because it should have been 18 hours long.
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You select a candidate for a Jr DBA position because his resume said he's willing to get your coffee.
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Somebody misquotes @PaulRandall and you call him on your cell to verify.
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You wish the elevator in your building was slower because it's the last time you'll be left alone all day.
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The developers sacrifice small animals before giving you their code for review.
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Developers bring you coffee and a BLT when you review their code.
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You can get out of any family get-together by saying you have to work and nobody questions it.
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You've requested a HP Superdome for you "test" box.
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A dev. asks if you've heard about some great new feature in SQL and you show the 16 blog posts you wrote on it ... last year
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Your dev team is still testing SQL 2008 and you're already planning for SQL 11.
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The new CEO asks you to justify your salary, so you go on vacation for 2 weeks. And he never questions you again.
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You use a cell phone service coverage map to plan your next vacation.
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You come in to work at 7 AM because it gives you at least 3 hours without any developers around.
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You figure out a way to make take your wife on a cruise and deduct it as a business expense.
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You name your cat SQLDog because the name @SQLCat was already taken.
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You rate your blog posts based on the number of retweets you get.
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You disable random logins just to mess with people.
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You fall for the pickup line, "Hey baby, what's your collation?"
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You can blame an outage on anyone in the company because you're the only one that knows how to find out what really happened
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Your leave work early because your internet connection to the data center is better at home
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You cheer when Milton burns down the company in Office Space
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Your think the 4 food groups are coffee, bacon, fast food, and Mountain Dew.
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You tell someone your job title and they ask "What?" You describe it and they ask "What?". So you say "computer geek".
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The #1 referrer to your blog is Twitter.com.
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Your idea of a good time on a Saturday involves free training. #sqlsat43
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You write a book that all of your co-workers have and none have read it.
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You write a book that sells a couple thousand copies and is heralded a best seller.
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No matter how sick you are, you go to work if it's time to pass the pager on to the next guy.
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You go out on the town, and strangers walk up to you and say, "Hey you're that SQL guy"
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Your wife asks you to fix something, and you request a downtime window.
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Your best pickup line, "Hey baby, what's your collation?"
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Your wife asks when you'll be home, and you tell her that you wish you knew.
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You list TSQL as your native language on the 2010 census.
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Starbucks' stock price drops every time you go on vacation.
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You're happy when the web master says that the website is down.
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You know that @BuckWoody is not someone's porno name.
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You get mad when someone calls your car a "heap" because you've always considered it to be a "clustered index".
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Your blog has more hits than your company's website.
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You systematically remove the asterisk key from all keyboards in the company except yours.
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When asked if you recycle, you reply that you run sp_cycle_errorlog every night at midnight.
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You wouldn't allow someone named @AdamMachanic to work on your car.
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You switch offices every 3 days to avoid developers.
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PSS has your number on speed dial.
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You frown when you they tell Neo that he's going to the Oracle.