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Are you a DBA? You might Be!

 Are you a DBA? You might Be!

On Twitter, people do a lot more than gossip and post messages about mundane, trivial tasks. As DBA’s, we help people having problems (#sqlhelp), we have in-depth discussions, we promote upcoming events (#sqlpass, #sqlsat43, #sqlcruise, etc.), we share our collective knowledge (#tsql2sday), and we learn from other experts (@PaulRandal, @KimberlyLTripp, @SQLCat, @AdamMachanic, @BuckWoody, @Brento, etc.). We also have some fun. The fun stuff is liable to break out at any time (especially if @PaulRandal is bored), but Friday seems to be the day when it happens most often. Friday fun generally involves a unique hash tag to make following the replies that pour in easier. The hash tag this past Friday was #youmightbeaDBA.


The posts were written in the same vain as comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck” jokes. Hilarity ensued!! So if these apply to you, you might be a DBA too!!


@BuckWoody posted many of the entries on his blog at http://blogs.msdn.com/b/buckwoody/archive/2010/05/29/you-might-be-a-dba.aspx. I won’t repeat the other entries, but I’ll list all of my entries below. And for reference, you can find me on Twitter as well: @SQLSoldier.


  • You think AC/DC's lyrics to Dirty Deeds would make a suiting job description for what you do. (added 6/1/2010)
  • You take a server with you when you quit your job in case they refuse to cash out your unused vacation time.
  • You leave a blind date stranded at the restaurant after she comments that she prefers MySQL.
  • After a big migration, you drive to the data center and unplug the old server just to watch it die. (note: I was channeling Johnny Cash when I wrote this one)
  • You hear a rumor that the company is going to have a big layoff so you encrypt the databases to ensure that your job is safe
  • Your boss gives you a 20% raise right before announcing to the company that everyone has to take a 10% paycut.
  • You wear headphones so you can pretend not to hear coworkers that try to talk to you in the hallway.
  • You've threatened to replace a developer with a script if he doesn't go away ... and he goes away.
  • You talk the team into delaying a release because they scheduled it for the same day as your monthly poker game.
  • The auto mechanic quotes you a price for a repair, and you ask him if that's per cylinder or per driver.
  • You wear t-shirts with logos of 3rd party app's that you've never used before.
  • You've spent all night Valentines Day upgrading the SQL Servers and forgot to tell your wife you'd be working late.
  • A chill runs down your spine when someone asks what the shortcut is for "Undo" in SSMS because Cntrl+Z isn't working.
  • You're flattered when someone calls you a geek.
  • An interviewer asks you if you have any certifications, and it takes 20 minutes to list them all.
  • You roll your eyes when you see a job posting requiring MCDBA certification in SQL 2005.
  • Your manager borrows lunch money from you because your salary is 30% higher than his.
  • You think "intellisense" is a double negative because it's not intelligent nor makes sense.
  • 75% of the emails you receive at home have the phrase "now following you on Twitter!" in the subject line.
  • You petition Ken Burns to remake Office Space because it should have been 18 hours long.
  • You select a candidate for a Jr DBA position because his resume said he's willing to get your coffee.
  • Somebody misquotes @PaulRandall and you call him on your cell to verify.
  • You wish the elevator in your building was slower because it's the last time you'll be left alone all day.
  • The developers sacrifice small animals before giving you their code for review.
  • Developers bring you coffee and a BLT when you review their code.
  • You can get out of any family get-together by saying you have to work and nobody questions it.
  • You've requested a HP Superdome for you "test" box.
  • A dev. asks if you've heard about some great new feature in SQL and you show the 16 blog posts you wrote on it ... last year
  • Your dev team is still testing SQL 2008 and you're already planning for SQL 11.
  • The new CEO asks you to justify your salary, so you go on vacation for 2 weeks. And he never questions you again.
  • You use a cell phone service coverage map to plan your next vacation.
  • You come in to work at 7 AM because it gives you at least 3 hours without any developers around.
  •  You figure out a way to make take your wife on a cruise and deduct it as a business expense.
  • You name your cat SQLDog because the name @SQLCat was already taken.
  • You rate your blog posts based on the number of retweets you get.
  • You disable random logins just to mess with people.
  • You fall for the pickup line, "Hey baby, what's your collation?"
  • You can blame an outage on anyone in the company because you're the only one that knows how to find out what really happened
  • Your leave work early because your internet connection to the data center is better at home
  • You cheer when Milton burns down the company in Office Space
  • Your think the 4 food groups are coffee, bacon, fast food, and Mountain Dew.
  • You tell someone your job title and they ask "What?" You describe it and they ask "What?". So you say "computer geek".
  • The #1 referrer to your blog is Twitter.com.
  • Your idea of a good time on a Saturday involves free training. #sqlsat43
  • You write a book that all of your co-workers have and none have read it.
  • You write a book that sells a couple thousand copies and is heralded a best seller.
  • No matter how sick you are, you go to work if it's time to pass the pager on to the next guy.
  • You go out on the town, and strangers walk up to you and say, "Hey you're that SQL guy"
  • Your wife asks you to fix something, and you request a downtime window.
  • Your best pickup line, "Hey baby, what's your collation?"
  • Your wife asks when you'll be home, and you tell her that you wish you knew.
  • You list TSQL as your native language on the 2010 census.
  • Starbucks' stock price drops every time you go on vacation.
  • You're happy when the web master says that the website is down.
  • You know that @BuckWoody is not someone's porno name.
  • You get mad when someone calls your car a "heap" because you've always considered it to be a "clustered index".
  • Your blog has more hits than your company's website.
  • You systematically remove the asterisk key from all keyboards in the company except yours.
  • When asked if you recycle, you reply that you run sp_cycle_errorlog every night at midnight.
  • You wouldn't allow someone named @AdamMachanic to work on your car.
  • You switch offices every 3 days to avoid developers.
  • PSS has your number on speed dial.
  • You frown when you they tell Neo that he's going to the Oracle.



Posted by Seth Phelabaum on 31 May 2010

Now we just need someone to turn this into a web yes/no quiz so we can all be scored on how many apply! =)

Posted by Robert Davis on 1 June 2010

Added 1 more to the top of the list today.

I'll never be able to listen to the chorus line "Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap" without thinking of my job ever again.

Posted by Dave Schutz on 7 June 2010

You know that @BuckWoody is not someone's porno name.

I've met Buck Woody and I think he'd disagree.

Posted by Robert L Davis on 7 June 2010

No, he uses Woody Buck for the "other" stage.

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